On Drunk lovesick fools

If someone calls a girl up in the middle of the night sounding abit drunk, and then proceeds to tell you how much he loves her and how much he needs her, she should just hang up. Look, the guy is drunk by choice and he's lovesick by choice. It's bad enough that he's got the discipline of a 5-year old to remain sober. But thinking that his calls for love are gonna work it's magic and the girl is gonna be touched and have a mind altering experience clearly deserves to have his kidneys punctured multiple times by an ice pick. Wake up lah. This isn't the bloody movies. One drunken call is not going to change a girl's universe and it's definitely not going to make her realize, "Oh man, I had a crush on him to! Now we can unite and be lovers!"
If you're a guy who intends to pull this kind of stunt, you're a fucking coward. Do you think that you can shirk the horror of rejection by making yourself drunk? So if you get rejected you'll just comfort yourself that you were drunk and therefore can pretend nothing happened? All I have say to you is Fuck You and I've got a box of ice picks waiting for you.

Not All Toilets Were Made Equal

As a guy, having to have to use the toilet in shopping centres or mrt stations has always been something which I always try to avoid. My girlfriend on the other hand fusses little over visiting the loo. In fact, she does it often, to do make up or the normal stuff which toilets were meant to be used for. She tells me of this wonderful place where the floors are squeaky clean, the place smells of flowers and they have disposable toilet seat liners to be used freely. She even told me that the toilets at Jusco in Tebrau City have a designated area for the ladies to do make up, with perfect lighting and all. What is this haven I ask. Why have I not experienced it for myself?

One day I sit her down and tell her the truth about men's toilets. The horrid disgusting hell that I have to go through everytime I step into public toilets. The floor is caked with dribbles of urine and spit. I risk catching some kind of shit derived disease left by some stranger everytime I poo. flowers? what flowers? The male toilet always smells of urine and farts and shit. Even if there's a cleaner inside. What's worse, there's always grafitti scrawled on the cubicle, it reads something like this - "I Like to suk Ur kok Call 9******* for Dickson"

Appalled at the disparity, she begs me not to go on anymore. but I have to. Apparently, in female toilets, ladies go around their business politely and curtly. There is no smell or sound when they use the cubicles. Even when a lady farts, she tries to cover up by making coughing noises or shuffling her feet. In male toilets, everything is rushed. men rush to pee, sometimes they don't even wash their hands. Men seem to make it a point to wait 3 days before they rush to a public toilet to shit. Because I have observed many a hurried man walking briskly into the cubicle, pretty much farting his pants off all the way in. After hearing the jingle jangle of unbuckling his belt and finally settling down. The next thing you hear is likened to what can be described as letting buckets of fish back into the ocean. I will stop here.

So ladies, if it is always a wonder as to why your boyfriend always comes out of the toilet so much damn faster than you, here's your answer.

Generation

People always talk about the generation gap. parents will never understand their teenage angst ridden children, why they want to break free from some preconceived notion of independence at the age of 12 or why being jaded is cool. These children will come to realise that they will face the same problems with their children when they become parents and so, the generation gap repeats itself. Having said that, I have a feeling that we in the 20s, will in the process suddenly obtain these skills in say, 2 decades time. Because old men don't just fall out of ah pek trees. We become them.

Skills we will obtain
1. The ability to speak malay
2. Love for Hokkien love songs
3. susceptibility to high blood pressure, diabetes, gout, heart attacks
4. An unhealthy attraction to Toto, 4D and soccer betting
5. lower tolerence regarding Gah'men policies
6. The stupidity to do something like buying a Goldwing
7. Be able to fall asleep while sitting on any chair
8. Finish Lian He Zao Bao in one sitting
9. Become obnoxious and most often, the goofy idiot in the family. (Just look at all the family board game commercials. The father is always the stupid fool)

And last but not least,

10. Be promoted by Food court, hawker centre aunties. We will no longer be called "Boy" or "Xiao Di" anymore. (A title conferred to any male person younger than the stallholder.) We will now be called "Uncle".

Mid Life Crisis

It'll be another 20 years before most of our generation hits Mid Life Crisis but I'm sure most of you have come across this phenomena personally. Be it your father, your uncle, or your next door neighbour on pension.

People going through Mid Life Crisis tend to do silly things like jumping out of airplanes, driving around the world in a 4WD or buying a Honda Goldwing. If you are unfamiliar with what a Goldwing is, take a look.


It's the same all around the world. You must be Apeh to ride this bike.

It's quite like a car, but on two wheels. If Optimus Prime went for Lipo and did a Marie France, he'd end up looking like that.

Very much like how there is a minimum age requirement of 30 years old for aspiring Taxi drivers in Singapore, To ride a Goldwing, you should be at least 40 and above, have some sort of facial hair and some balding on the top would be recommended. Why would ahpeks want to buy this sort of thing? It costs nearly $20,000. For that amount, you can buy 18 Scramblers. On the road it occupies the same space a car does. It handles like an overweight motorcycle and when you crash it, it still rolls and flips and doesn't offer the rider much protection. Except for the airbag they installed in newer models. Yup, airbags. If the crash doesn't hurt you, the air bag will surely give you a good punch in the face.


They get pregnant too

So if you suspect that someone is going through a mid life crisis, look at his garage and all will be revealed.

Biggest Find of The Century

Alright, here's how it happened. While walking along some HDB flats, Pris and I stumbled on a few sheets of loose paper strewn on a grass patch. At first glance, this was what we saw.

Yes, all and well, a Primary 3 comprehension passage titled "Be Thankful"

But realising that there were some drawings behind this, we kicked it around to uncover what must have been the greatest find of the century. Greater than the Gospel Of Judas, The Bayeux Tapestry and all the stupid numbers in The Da Vinci Code combined. Be forewarned, that what will be revealed to you was prophesized by a child genius. Who, unfortunately, did not foresee a good rotan-ing from his mother.

Behold! The encrypted code of "Be Thankful" As found scrawled on the back of the paper.



What be this Doomsday Dragon!? "It Kills!" dammit! How do we stop this Doomsday Dragon? The child genius has written that "To awake it, USE Draco Beam of Moonstone Dracon" How bloody bewildering his message to the world is. After being depressed and on the verge of insanity for 32 days, I uncovered another piece of the puzzle. The child has scribbled his prophecy out in what seems to be a badly drawn comic.



Studies have shown that this was what the series of drawings say.

In the first panel, a black figure lures and corrupts a Chinese New Year Dragon with what seems to be licorice. The Doomsday dragon must have commited several atrocities. Such as putting little boys on top of mountains which they cannot come down from.

In the Second panel, The Moon beam draco saves the day by projecting forced vomit onto the sorcerer, causing him to spontaneously combust and sending his spirit out of the dragon. The Chinese New Year Dragon, freed from the licorice of corruption is content with staying there and smiling.

Finally, the end panel shows a happy boy being rewarded with a hoverboard very much like what Michael J Fox rode in "Back to the future". The Moonbeam Draco has a pokeball stuck to its tail.

There you have it. The works of a 9 year old child. From what I can see, his mother must have left him alone with some homework to do but he decided to reveal his Doomsday prophecy instead. The mother must have returned, slapped the child around like a ragdoll for a bit, tore the comprehension up and threw it out of the window. Which is why upon discovery, I decided to immortalise his works on the internet. where all will know that he got some cane marks for this drawing and that his mother is probably serving CWo if some neighbour reported her littering.

1 Vote take away

For the past few weeks, I thought I could vote because Bukit Panjang SMC was created for this GE. For weeks I tried to imagine how crossing the X would feel like.

Weeks later, I realise that my household is never going to get that GE notification slip for this GE and that Jelapang Road is, together with the enchanted forests and highways, situated somewhere within the recesses of Holland and Bukit Timah.

Who am I going to turn to if I want the empty square downstairs to be upgraded into a playground.

Ways to irritate your girlfriend

Today Pris was going through her old Girls' Brigade stuff. She was going on about how nostalgic she felt about her GB days when all of a sudden I started singing that particular Barbara Streisand song while looking from over her shoulder.

Me: Memories... from the corners of my mind... misty water coloured memories...

Girlfriend: Eh stop it lah. I'm going to cry.

In other news, girlfriend has finally decided that she should strive for a net gain in weight. This is coming from someone who once wanted to be 2D. I'm rather pleased, even though the target of reaching XX kg from XX kg is little. Very much like the Progress Package. Meager but better than nothing.

When Mascots attack

For the longest time, I've had the fascination of people dressed as mascots doing everyday things people do. What if a person was stuck in a mascot suit and had to live with it for the rest of his life? Will people see him as Lim Ah huat or will people see him as Charlie the Codfish?

Needless to say, Charlie the codfish has to eat, shit and earn money like everyone else. Also, Charlie the codfish has emotions of anger, jealousy, happiness, sadness and whatever else.

While having some thought about this scenario, I was notified by my girlfriend that a psycho suffering from manic depression had taken the liberty to send her lewd messages on her handphone. Now, this had been going on for pretty long and it was time to end his nonsense.

I was on the verge of teaming up with her dad to drive to school and break that bugger's legs in many places. But that wouldn't be very humiliating wouldn't it? 2 people beating the crap out of a skinny 33 year old psycho who for many reasons unknown is still studying in her school. Surely eye witnesses would identify me easily.

So I thought of a devious plan. I would leave such violent criminal acts to Charlie the codfish. What kind of psychological trauma would the lewd smser have if he was dragged by the hair onto the road and then pummeled by a giant rodent and a large chilli.





Would anyone call the police? Everyone will think it's a sideshow or something. "Eh look! Giant rodent and Chilli man are beating a man up! I never see a mouse and a chilli beat up a man before! I shall stand here and watch! and then I will remember the date and buy 4D!"

So really, if you still want to disturb ppl with your stupid crude and childish messages, don't regret it when one fine day, an assorted number of random mascots come along, drag you by the hair and beat the shit out of you. You have been warned.

Hawaii 5 Seconds

One of the posts i had wanted to write about for quite a long time now has to be the mat surfer phenomenon. You can see this strange sub culture of youths whenever the sea meets the sand in waveless Singapore. Frankly speaking, being a surfer in a surfless land is rather pointless. You will feel like a bottle of gel owned by a bald man. Nevertheless, these defiant buggers still try.

A surfer would usually have to paddle his way out to sea to have enough space to ride the waves to shore. Following which, he will enjoy himself. very much. Like so.



The mat surfer has a challenge to face. The waves come up to his ankles. So what this poor bugger does, is run nearly parallel to the sea, jump on his board and if he's lucky, catch one of these ankle waves before his board slows to a stop and he literally sinks into the sea. Get up, retrieve plank of wood and repeat. These mat surfers really get to enjoy themselves when a patrol boat happens to zip across. Come on lah, even the bloody wave pool at Chua Chu Kang Stadium makes bigger waves. Bunch of idiots. Why don't you guys do something more useful instead. Like building a sampan from scratch, and then killing swordfish in the sea.


Another fruitless surfless day for Saidon and his wooden board

Build the earthworks

Diary-x collapsed and all my archives vanished, never to be recovered again. Of course I was a little sad. So after much thinking and much more procrastination, I decided to start blogging again. Campuscapers is back, with the same elements. Me being lazy and inconsistent. No sleazy backgrounds of skinny lesbian models kissing and no mouse cursors farting sparkling things.